Identity Crisis?

I am staring at the imminent approach of an empty nest.

Fortunately, I have had some time to become accustomed to the idea. Jason moved out last year, and will leave for grad school in Toronto at the end of this month, Anna and Josh have been married for a month now, and in two weeks, Christina will move onto the Biola Campus, followed by Ben a week later. Thankfully, we get to see Anna and Josh a couple times a week for laundry or dinner, and I expect Christina and Ben to be home for most weekends. Jason will be home for Christmas break, and having had both Anna and Jason spend semesters abroad, it doesn’t feel like that will be too dreadfully long of a time, although I will definitely miss him.

So, what does all this shifting of bodies mean for me? Well, I’ve been thinking about this, among some other things which have been weighing heavy on my heart. For the past 24 years, my life has been focused, for better or worse, on my kids. With all of them moving outward and onward, I am now faced with the prospect of a very quiet (and maybe somewhat less chaotic) household and the opportunity to reacquaint myself with Juergen on a level that we haven’t had in almost a quarter of a century, as husband and wife apart from daily parental duties. These are the plusses.

As I’ve been working through this transitional time, I also have been considering how much my personal identity has been tied to my relationships. I realize that my identity as Anna’s mother does not cease just because she no longer lives under our roof. But things are changing as circumstances cause relationships to be redefined. This is reality; I have seen it lived out repeatedly not only in my own life, but also now in Christina’s as she adjusts to the loss of a relationship that had impacted (and still does) her identity. I wonder how much we should allow relationships to shape our personal identity, and how much control we have over it anyway?

Whenever I am trying to understand a concept, I try to define terms early on, so here are some definitions from the lovely people of Encarta:

IDENTITY: The set of characteristics that somebody recognizes as belonging uniquely to himself or herself and constituting his or her individual personality for life.

CRISIS: a situation or period in which things are very uncertain, difficult, or painful, especially a time when action must be taken to avoid complete disaster or breakdown, a time when something very important for the future happens or is decided.

RELATIONSHIP: behavior or feelings toward somebody else. The connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another.

As I have been considering these terms, it seems to me that even at best, relationships between people are transitory things. When they are based solely on feelings, which are variable, relationships oftentimes change. Sometimes those changes are for the best, sometimes, not. But should they play such a major role in determining our identity? Should our identity be something that changes? According to the definition of identity, it seems it should not. So when we find ourselves facing circumstances which seem to shake us to the deepest level, causing us to see ourselves as someone different than who we were, could that be a crisis of identity? It appears so, if we look at the definition of crisis.

While relationships are definitely important, they are based upon feelings and upon behaviors between people and as such are subject to change. The only relationship that we can truly count on is the one we have with our compassionate, eternal, and unchanging God. Because relationship with God is based on His truth, not our feelings or behaviors, it provides the constancy necessary for establishing our identity. If our identity can be shaped by relationships, shouldn’t it be most strongly affected by our relationship with God?

So rather than finding my purpose in life solely in being a wife, or mother, teacher, someone’s friend or any other thing that I might use to define myself, I should find my identity primarily in Christ and what His word says about me:

Who I Am In Christ (from Freedom in Christ Ministries)
I am accepted...
John 1:12
I am God's child.
John 15:15
As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1
I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17
I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27
I am a member of Christ's body.
Ephesians 1:3-8
I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Colossians 1:13-14
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:9-10
I am complete in Christ.
Hebrews 4:14-16
I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

I am secure...
Romans 8:1-2
I am free from condemnation.
Romans 8:28
I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Romans 8:31-39
I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22
I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4
I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6
I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20
I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7
I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am significant...
John 15:5
I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16
I am God's temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21
I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6
I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10
I am God's workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12
I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

These things will never change, because they are not based upon me, my feelings, or upon my relationship with any other broken human being, but upon the One who is the ultimate friend, who will never leave, change or fail.

I have become increasingly aware of my need for the Lord’s wisdom in my life this past month, and true to his faithful nature, when I have called, He has answered. An example of this occurred yesterday at church. J.P. Moreland spoke in our morning service because Lance was giving a message in Lancaster. The message that J.P. shared was about finding peace in the midst of trials, based on Psalm 131. I was challenged to examine my attitudes for pride, and haughtiness, and repent. I was again prompted to rely on God’s wisdom rather than my own understanding when faced with circumstances which are beyond my ability to comprehend. Peace comes from trusting God, and allowing Him to be Lord over all circumstances.

After the service, I began to think about personal identity, and the changes that have happened and are continuing to happen in our family’s life, and asked the Lord to show me His perspective on this. We needed to be at night church early, so before the service, I sat in the sanctuary and began journaling my thoughts. They play worship songs over the sound system and this song was playing. It has been very meaningful to me as I have worked through issues regarding my dad:

A Child of God
By Kathryn Scott

With ev'ry breath, with ev'ry thought
From what is seen, to the deepest part
I offer all that I've come to be
To know Your love fathering me

Father, You're all I need
My soul's sufficiency
My Strength when I am weak
The love that carries me
Your arms enfold me
Till I am only, a child of God

With ev'ry step on this journey's walk
And wisdom's songs that the soul has sought
I give myself unreservedly
To know Your love fathering me

© 1999 Vineyard Songs

I was immersed in the song when abruptly, it stopped, and was replaced by the “countdown” music that is used for the last 3 or so minutes before the service starts. It was not at all time for the service to start. Annoyed at the interruption of my reverie, I looked up at the screen, and along with the countdown time, were words that were speaking of our identity in Christ, along with scriptures. I began to write some down, and after about 3 minutes, it stopped, and the song I had been enjoying resumed right where it had left off. God had certainly gotten my attention in those 3 minutes.

Next, during worship, Sarah led us in this song, which really touched my spirit, and after googling the lyrics, I was amused to see the title:

"Full Attention"
by Jeremy Riddle

May Your voice be louder
May Your voice be clearer
Than all the others
Than all the others

May Your face be dearer
May Your words be sweeter
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes
Fixed on You
Please root my heart
So deep in You
Keep me abiding
Keep me abiding
Keep me abiding
That I may bear fruit

May Your presence be truer
May Your presence be nearer
Than all the others
Than all the others

May Your light burn brighter
May Your love move deeper
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life

This song really captures my heart’s cry right now. After worship, Jamie gave a message for the night service based on Proverbs 3:5 – 6, which continued to reinforce what I have been feeling the Lord speak to me this past week. I need to trust in the Lord, and lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. Again, I am called to focus on the Lord, who alone is Truth and Wisdom. I have found that when I fix my eyes and heart on Him, and choose to worship Him in the midst of hard times because He is worthy, peace comes. When I spend my energy trying to reason through things that seem unreasonable, the peace leaves. I want to just rest in His will, and commit all my cares and worries for those I love to the one who does not change, and who loves beyond any ability we possess this side of heaven. He is faithful even when we are faithless. Above all else, I want to find my identity in Him as His child. This is something that will never change, no matter what changes come my way.